To Be, Or Not To BE

Monday, August 08, 2011

Yes, I borrowed that from Shakespeare. I don’t really even know what context he was using that in; I’ve never read the play. But, for my purposes here, it is fitting.

We are still exploring the concept of being, rather than doing. I am learning to love myself for who I really am, in God’s eyes not in anyone else’s. It is hard for me to “be” and to “be still” but I am working at it. I used to think that doing was all there was, if I wasn’t doing then I couldn’t “be” at all.

Our world and our sense of self are very defined by the “doing” concept. When you go against the grain of everything you have known to be true it is rough. It is like swimming against the flow, being held stationary because all your work goes into just maintaining your position against the flow. But, in time you will gain momentum if you can just hold fast.

The theme for this week is “judge not lest ye be judged” (KJV). Famous words, even non-Christians will use this phrase. None of us likes to be judged, but we all judge at least some of the time. I can get to where I am afraid to tell people what I don’t like because I don’t want them to think I am judging them.

This is what I think, we instinctually known when we are doing something wrong. We will immediately get defensive about it. Jesus said not to judge one another; this is really important. He also confronted us, challenging us to look at ourselves first and to pluck the “plank out of our own eye” before attempting to pluck the speck out of another’s. Look at that statement, the use of the language,” plank and speck”, what is that saying to us? There is a really big size difference in those two objects.

Here is the full context of this found in the Book of Matthew:

Matthew 6:37-40
37 "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." 39 He also told them this parable: "Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? 40 A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher. 41 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42 How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. (NIV)

I’ve got a really good view of my plank!!

I think that it has been difficult for me because I have been trained to examine human behavior. It is a skill so finely tuned that I can pick up on the slightest anomaly in a person’s behavior. In my previous profession that was a huge asset. In my spiritual life it is a curse. It is man’s wisdom, man’s technique and not of God. My judgment against the sufferer was that they deserved mercy and grace. My harshest judgment was toward those who would not give them that and that is not okay either. I have always been able to size a person up fairly quickly, while holding all my insecurities and fears hidden inside. I would get people to talk about themselves and I was able to study them as they spoke. I never did this with mal-intent. I was trying to identify that person’s hopes, dreams and fears. I sincerely wanted to help them.

I confess I have judged all too much. Just because I have been trained to see anomalies does not give me the right to judge. Now, discernment, that is necessary and needs to be applied. But, I have this huge plank in my eye. I am working on getting it out. I have left my former life behind and all my training with it. I want to love people as God loves them and see them as He sees them. This is my prayer.

Now, I have a new challenge. It is not only to see myself through God’s eyes, but to see others through His eyes as well. This being thing is harder than one would think. Many people don’t even have the time to contemplate such topics as they go through days and weeks accomplishing one thing after another on the to-do list. That was my life for a very long time. I was a workaholic. I have burnt myself out more than once or twice and made myself sick. It has been many times. It is an easier existence to go about doing everything you can in one day then falling into bed at night exhausted, falling asleep quickly and waking up all too early the next day to do it all over again. I have to “be” with myself now. I think that is why I get so easily distracted by different pursuits and it is hard for me to stay focused.

I haven’t liked what I have seen in myself. I had condemned myself for my failures, my lack of doing and accomplishments. That led me to be depressed and have really low self-esteem. That is not the goal of self-reflection. Self-reflection is really meant to lead us to repentance; for us to change our minds and our hearts to be more like Jesus. It’s an inside-out job. That is why it is important not to focus on what you “do”.

It is hard to confront yourself; your hopes, fears, dreams, failures and situation. Besides all of those things, this world will tell you that if you are unemployed you are not valuable. I will be honest; I have not really pursued looking for a job mainly because of my depression and insecurities. If I do get a job now, my job will become my life. My writing needs to become my life, my outward expression of the gifts I have been given. It is just that time. It is like when a painter or sculptor has to do something else to survive, but then comes a time comes when the vision of the art becomes too huge to ignore any longer. Expressing that dream becomes a necessity or you fear you may die. I have always been too fearful of rejection to really try writing in earnest. I preferred the safer route of factually writing about other’s lives in all the necessary documents of the trade while avoiding my own life entirely.

See this video:This is one of the best examples of what can happen to a person that does not express their gift. When I saw this it was such an eye opener. I thought of myself and of all of the people that suffer from mental illness or are homeless. You have to watch it to understand what I am talking about.

In coming to know myself it has been hard to look at the icky bits. It always has been and I have far too many of them. These parts I don’t like about myself and the fears that I have really bother me. Yet, there is a strong will to heal and carry on. The last two years have been hellish and full of torment. Each time I go through a process of discovery and think I have built myself up enough to be able to withstand the storms of life I just become so easily carried off in another direction that I forget to care for myself. Then, I crash and burn in about 2 years. I have done this all my life and there is probably no greater desire than to move past all that and obtain a more fluid of state of stability which speaks more of balance than going from one end of the spectrum to another.

I can’t imagine sometimes what God is doing in my life and for all the things that are “supposed to be” there really aren’t very many things working out the way I want them to. If I had it my way I would just go back to work. It is safer, easier to maintain and very structured. Without that I have to create my own structure, develop discipline and learn to stay focused on one thing at time. I also must take one day at a time learning that if I have a day where I don’t get much accomplished, then I didn’t die because of it, nothing shattered around me and life continued on. If I am not writing I am usually “vegging” in front of the TV or perhaps working on one of my pictures or some jewelry. I am going to start making purses soon and I am really looking forward to setting up shop at the flea market when the weather cools. I love to create. Art is my passion whether it is in word or in pictures and accessories.

It is funny though, because now I get to do all of the creating I want. Yet, at times I feel like doing nothing. Considering what I have been through this time to just “be” is so very vital to my thriving, to my health and to my future. Most of all at this time I don’t want anyone dictating what I do. Actually I have never liked being told anything. In turn, this has translated into some problematic times in my relationship with God. God does tell us what we should do, but it is for our own good. Every human being has free-will and being created by Him with free-will He will not violate that. Unfortunately that has been perverted by controlling people and unsound doctrine. God does not seek to control us, yet he seeks to gently woo us into loving Him and believing Him on things concerning His Word. If you look at most of the world outside of religion it is about NOT believing God and about believing in ourselves and what we can accomplish in life independently from God.

As far as I know, there has never been an atheist that was locked up in prison and forced to become a believer. Okay, I have to take that back, PEOPLE have done that, but God is not like that. God has gotten a bad rap due to the BEHAVIOR of people, but if you want to know HIM, really seek to know Him, read your Bible and ask Him to give you understanding and revelation because He really WILL.

I mean, I can say that I know God, and I do to some extent. I know what I have read for myself in His Word and what I have experienced of Him. But my finite mind does not allow for me to truly know Him, yet. I seek to know Him and look forward to the day when I can truly sit at His feet hugging his leg as I often imagine myself doing when I pray and worship Him. Believing without seeing is the key. But, until then I seek to know Him, as much as I can. I am very leery of people and religiousness. People are just people. They often misunderstand, misconstrue and misconceive the many things of God.

It is just easy to get lost. We are human, we are intelligent and yet we are also broken in mind and spirit due to sin. We get easily side tracked and there are many examples of people being led, literally off to slaughter by megalomaniacs bent on advancing themselves in the minds of their people. It happens.

But, this is not God. That is what discernment is about. Knowing what is of God and what is not. It is a spiritual gift given to us by God Himself, if we ask for it. He will show us the way to Him. We need only to seek Him, to ask Him and to receive from Him. We have to let Him in.

I encourage you all to think on these things, to pray and ask God to show you the way, He will certainly do it. Let us not judge one another but live in LOVE, the love that we get from God first and then give back to Him. Out of that relationship we will develop the ability to love others. Community is so important. Let us stop hurting one another, stop competing for attention from others and stop judging one another. Let us be about our Father’s business, which is to LOVE Him above all else and to love one another. (Matthew 22:35-40)

I want to share something so special with you today. I started writing this yesterday before we went to church. I am finishing this today in light of the special things God had for me yesterday.

Yesterday, a prophet spoke a word from God over me. God wanted me to know that “I am His PRECIOUS daughter, His precious girl”. That is so very sweet and so much in line with the love of God. I feel like I haven’t done anything important for God. I have been so focused on my failures, inadequacies and fears that I was feeling a million miles below everything. Yet, it is “WHO” I am in Him, who He has created me to “BE”, that is what He is pleased with.

Here is what the dictionary says about precious;
Precious:
Adjective:
1. Of high price or great value; very valuable or costly.
2. Highly esteemed for some spiritual, nonmaterial, or moral quality.
3. Dear; beloved.
4. Affectedly or excessively delicate, refined, or nice.
Noun:
6. A dearly beloved person; darling.

That reminds me of what The Father spoke over Jesus after He came out of the water when He was baptized by John the Baptist.
Luke 3:21-22:
21 When all the people were being baptized, Jesus was baptized too. And as he was praying, heaven was opened,
22 and the Holy Spirit descended on him in bodily form like a dove. And a voice came from heaven: "You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased."

Jesus hadn’t done anything yet, well not all the great stuff He was going to do. It was after this that he went into the wilderness and fasted for 40 days and was tempted by Satan overcoming all of that and then dying on the cross for the redemption of our sins once and for all, for every man woman and child (Hebrews 9:11-17) But, this is the love of our Father. The love He wants to give to every single one of His children. The truth He wants us all to know. The truth that He promises will set us free (see John 8:32)

I am so filled with JOY today. I feel so free for the first time in a very, very long time. I am free from the prison of self-loathing where I had trapped myself by repeating my mistakes and shortcomings to myself over and over until I had built a huge wall of regret and disappointment. I locked myself away in shame and self-pity.

Maybe you have never heard of God being spoken of in such a way. If you are reading this he wants you to know this too. This was a word for me which I can now freely give to anyone. It is now a word for you. You are His precious child! This is what The Creator of Heaven and Earth, God Almighty and the God of the Universe thinks of you, yes YOU!!
Focus on your being as much as you can. That’s a good word for today. Hold on to that. Just know that that “WHO” you are is what is special and pleasing to God.

So, I am to “BE” in answer to the question in the title. I am learning to “be” with all my heart.