… and Everything in Between

I've been working tirelessly to plan, promote and organize LOVEWALKS -

http://www.gofundme.com/LOVEWALKS.  It is my greatest work and something I am most proud of. 

As I continued to work into the wee hours of the night, I saw a post on my Facebook last night that had a picture and it said, "Cast your cares upon the Lord, for He cares for you".  I actually like this version because I think it says it best:

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7 NIV

Anxiety, how so many must be feeling it now.  Today we learned that millions of Americans that receive government aid won't get paid if this this stalemate is not reconciled.  That is only a piece of the pie as there are so many more areas that will be fatally effected. 

I personally don't watch the news and read very little of it. When you live with a chronic problem, such as Fibromyalgia, you often have to expend a great deal of energy to keep a positive state of mind and focus on those things that are helpful, those things which produce good results.  When you live with adversity and hardship for long periods of time you find a way to survive. Sometimes we don't have the skills to do that very well, sometimes out of the will to survive we evolve.  We may not do very well at all at times, we may end up becoming ill for a time in our minds.  Desperately we seek solutions to ease our suffering, to find a way, to find meaning so we can carry on. 

It is totally amazing to me that God would put it on my heart to reach out to the most vulnerable of our society when there is so much going on in the world begging for our attention.  The fate of our own livelihoods and our government looms over the horizon with such an air of uncertainty much like a smoke filled room.

Sometimes I wonder if I watch too many movies with happy endings, is that what causes me to have such a sense of peace and the ability to be untroubled in these times? What allows me to have hope?  Or am I somehow deluding myself?

Not only are the times we are in troubling, He wants me to drop everything, put all my belongings in storage and hit the road to raise awareness and educate people on homelessness.  I was just homeless for 2 years and have only been in my home a little over a year.  Give up my home? Really? Well okay then. 

I truly hope no one ends up homeless with this crisis in the government.  But personally I believe the government will resolve things.  My husband thinks there is going to be a civil war. I have peace. Even if we went to war I would have peace. WHY?

There is something there in my heart, I feel it like a warmth that covers me entirely and fills me fully like being wrapped in my old blanket I had as a kid. I am cloaked in peace. The very peace of God.  I am aware of what is going on and I can't say that I don't care.  I do care very much.  However, I have come to a place in my life where I can cast my cares upon Him.  I can step out and do this because He has enabled me to be able to do so. 

I think that all the things I have endured over the last 4 years have made me a very strong person.  I used to be so sensitive (very, very sensitive) and at times overly emotional.  But, now as I look at my life through the lenses of peace, my life just is what it is.  I want better for myself and so does God.  I know He loves me unconditionally.  I am His daughter.  He not only loves me, he loves on me, through His spirit.  I always feel like I am being hugged by God, whom I call my Papa.  He is my Dad.  My Earthly dad wasn't much to think about, his cruelty was savage.  But, my God, my Papa loves me.  He sees me as He sees His Son.  I am the apple of His eye and His love is never ending for me. 

This great love that God has is not just for me though. I only have something special for God because He has something special for me.  But, I am special and so are you.  His love for you runs so deep that you may not even be able to comprehend it.  Do you know that God would ask me to do this walk because there is ONE person somewhere, crying out to Him, a homeless person somewhere, cold and alone.   I see that person, on their knees, sobbing uncontrollably, shaking from the cold and asking, "Why GOD, WHY? If you are REAL show me!"  Then along we will come with a backpack of food, clothing and other supplies, telling that person what I am telling you right now and that person will KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God heard their prayer. It is all for His Glory!!

That is why I willingly go.  I remember when I was in the hospital hovering between life and death. The nurse that was attending to me was singing ever so softly "Amazing Grace".  She made a difference in my life at that very moment.  In that moment I KNEW, just knew God had her there, at that very time, working that very shift, sent her to that nursing school and put it in her heart to even become a nurse, for that very moment in my life.  That is how He is.  That is how His love is.  It is Amazing.

That reminds me of a song and I will put the video here… I'm going to look it up now and listen to it because I just love it.  It's called "Amazed" by the Desperation Band.  The lyrics say "Lord I'm a amazed by you, how you love me".  There is also this one, "The Beauty of  The Lord", the lyrics say "Jesus your love, it takes my breath away, now I'm living everyday for the Beauty of the Lord".  These songs are so wonderful. Worship, by the way is the number one way to connect with Him and to be filled with peace. 

So, because of His love it doesn't matter that the government is trying to fall apart, or that we only raised $40.00 so far or that we don't have a Van or an RV to take with us on our walk.  God is greater than these things.

When He asked me to go on this walk, He told me that I am to operate in child like faith.  I am sure I will learn a lot about that in the coming months.  But, I trust Him.  I know Him.  I believe child-like faith is what I saw in Zach Bonner in the movie "Little Red Wagon".  They didn't call it that, but I watched this little boy look at this huge thing and say, "I've got it, I can do this".  There is a whole story about this that will be going in my book, but the main point is that what God did in my heart is truly astonishing.  I watched this boy just do that walk that he planned.  People around him got frustrated, it was hard, but he just pressed on.  So, shall I with that same faith that God will see to everything.

For 16 years I have held the dream in my heart to open a homeless shelter.  The only thing that ever alluded was how in the world we would ever get enough money to do it.  Now, we have the walk, I'm guessing that the money will come from that.  That's what my budget says, but really it's however He wants to do it.  It's not up to me.  I am the lady with the mind, the fingers and the capacity to prepare the plan, to go through all the red tape so to speak and then the lady with two feet that will walk one step at a time across America. 

Do, you know what I thought right after it dawned on me that He just asked this of me?  What? How can I do that?  I can't do that. No one will believe me.  No one will believe in me.  No one will give us any money, look at how the world is right now!!! God???!!! Then I heard in my heart, "Remember the child-like faith we were just discussing?" Oh yeah child like faith, then okay sure sounds like it will be FUN!! Let's do this then.  It may seem a bit like insanity, but it's not.  I have seen insanity from working in mental health for 20 years, this is just a wild trip and life is full of them.

The other day, my best friend Cindy came by to see me.  I was so happy to see her as it had been a couple of weeks.  The last time I saw her I told her about the walk.  She prayed with me and encouraged me.  Then when she came by I showed her everything I had done so far with planning the walk and forming my organization. She prayed with me again, which I thank God for her because I know she prays for me all the time and she will pray with others for me too.  We laid hands on the plans and asked God to bless them.  Cindy is the one person that has been in my life since I started following Jesus that has always encouraged me, prayed for me and has continually spoken my destiny to me over the last 16 years.

She gave me this particular scripture.  The reason why is because almost 2 years ago we did an outreach together.  The scripture that God gave us for that time was 2 Corinthians 9:8. The full story of this will be in my book, but I want to keep it short here. 

The scripture reads, "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work".

She read it to me, we prayed it together and I have reminded myself each that this is the case. 

There is a lot more work to be done and I plan on releasing the Kindle version of my book by the time we leave.  Believe it or not it won't take me that long to write it.  It's not going to be a full length book because I plan on writing another once we are done.

So with everything that is going on and with everything in between I extend my faith and say "Yes Lord".

Think on These Things...

I'm not an expert, but I have experienced some things in life.   If experience is to be valued it must be shared. 

As a person that has struggled with depression and anxiety I have had to learn how to get better.  Psychology, although helpful in a crisis, was not my answer.   Medications have not been my answer either. 

The only answer that has worked is to build my relationship with God.  I'm not selling anything here or saying you must believe in God.  I can only share what has saved me.

There are a lot of things out there.  Merely thinking positively is also not the answer.  Because you are still  relying on yourself.  I went through that too with all the motivational stuff too.  It worked for awhile, but then I was struggling again.

We must develop strength, perseverance, steadfastness, and faith in our lives, minds and hearts.  We will go through difficult times, but we will also make it through those times as well. 

I think that our society doesn't help us.  Sometimes it can be difficult for us to find our way.  But we must survive.  There is also thriving and although I am not entirely there I am on my way. 

This time last year I was in the hospital twice for trying to harm myself.  I was so tired of all the struggle.  I was homeless, with no job, to sick to work, without my family for the first time in my life and in all my searching for someone to help me I only found people who were too quick to judge me and put me down.  Talk about kicking a person when they are down.  Now, I realize that the struggle is part of building endurance.  It helps to form and shape our character when the focus is on the one that brings us peace and gives us mercy.

This verse is truly something to ponder.  If we spend our time thinking about the negative, about how others have hurt us and all the things that are going wrong, it WILL effect our emotions negatively. 

However, you can't think of something negative and positive at the same time.  So, fill your mind with positive things.  It is an exercise in discipline and choice. 

I don't have all the answers, but I have found one answer that helps keep me focused on the right things and that is this verse and the one who wrote it.  

God is Smiling on US!

I have been reading this great book called "Qualities of  a Spiritual Warrior" by Graham Cooke (www.brilliantbookhouse.com if you would like to get it).  He explains this verse as God's smiling on us.  I like that.  I like that God smiles upon me.  I love Him!
This book has been helpful and inspirational to me.  I'm not really going through that tough of a time.  But, it's been easier.  I am really dealing with health issues right now.  I have to get my health in check or I can't really do much else.  It is frustrating to me at times.  Also, I have my kids back in my life quite a bit these days which is a HUGE blessing and I am learning to really balance my finances.

My health has kept me from going to church regularly lately and that is the most frustrating thing I am dealing with right now.
It's funny how people say, "I don't have to go to a building to worship God."  No you don't, but when you have a church family you miss those people.  I am blessed to be a part of a wonderful ministry (Renaissance International) that does care about you as an individual.  So, yeah I miss my church family.  I also have relationships with a few people and I get to talk with them and hang out outside of church.  But, getting together corporately means a lot to me.  I am working through my health issues and working towards total wellness.
What does that mean?  CHANGE.  Change is a part of life. The better we are at adapting to change the smoother the transitions will be.  The biggest change and the one I don't really know how I am going to do yet is a total diet change.  Now I know from experience that eating healthy and avoiding certain food items help me tremendously.  Last year I was doing pretty good.  However, I have gotten out of the habit.  And it is really expensive.  That is probably the hardest part.  I would love to do a raw food diet with juicing.  But, it is really expensive and it requires frequent trips to the store or farmer's market.  I don't even go to the farmer's market right now and I would love to go.  Not having a car is now becoming more of a struggle.  Because my heath sucks, getting on the bus to do this 3 or 4 hour adventure is so DRAINING! I just didn't know if I wanted the expense at the time when I had some extra money to buy a car.  Now, it seems that it is paramount.  Which means that I really need to work again.  But, I can't work if I don't feel well that majority of the time and the cycle goes on and on.  I have to break free from this cycle and that's what my prayers are focused on now.
For a couple of weeks I was feeling really great.  I had started taking vitamins and they really helped.  Then my sleep schedule got off kilter and then I couldn't sleep until 3 or 4 in the morning and was getting up at like 1 or 2 in the afternoon.  It makes me feel worse to do that.  Then I realized that the vitamins were keeping me up late... imagine that!  So, I have to be careful and take them early in the day so they don't keep me up late at night.  Silly story but true.  Please keep me in your prayers that I will get this all under control.  It feels and is out of control right now.  Sometimes I feel so bad that this is such a struggle.  It seems silly and like it shouldn't be a problem. But, it is my ONE BIG PROBLEM right now.
Although, I can't go back to work doing what I used to do, I would love to go to school and become a message therapist/holistic practitioner and help others to get healthy as well.  So, this is my goal and I am working toward it one baby step at a time.