Personal Journal

Think On These Things...

Personal Journal - Road to Healing:

I'm not an expert, but I have experienced some things in life.   If experience is to be valued it must be shared. 

As a person that has struggled with depression and anxiety I have had to learn how to get better. Psychology, although helpful in a crisis, was not my answer.   Medications have not been my answer either. 

The only answer that has worked is to build my relationship with God.  I'm not selling anything here or saying you must believe in God.  I can only share what has saved me.

There are a lot of things out there.  Merely thinking positively is also not the answer.  Because you are still  relying on yourself.  I went through that too with all the motivational stuff too.  It worked for awhile, but then I was struggling again.

We must develop strength, perseverance, steadfastness, and faith in our lives, minds and hearts.  We will go through difficult times, but we will also make it through those times as well. 

I think that our society doesn't help us.  Sometimes it can be difficult for us to find our way.  But we must survive.  There is also thriving and although I am not entirely there I am on my way. 

This time last year I was in the hospital twice for trying to harm myself.  I was so tired of all the struggle.  I was homeless, with no job, to sick to work, without my family for the first time in my life and in all my searching for someone to help me I only found people who were too quick to judge me and put me down.  Talk about kicking a person when they are down.  Now, I realize that the struggle is part of building endurance.  It helps to form and shape our character when the focus is on the one that brings us peace and gives us mercy.

This verse is truly something to ponder.  If we spend our time thinking about the negative, about how others have hurt us and all the things that are going wrong, it WILL effect our emotions negatively. 

However, you can't think of something negative and positive at the same time.  So, fill your mind with positive things.  It is an exercise in discipline and choice. 

I don't have all the answers, but I have found one answer that helps keep me focused on the right things and that is this verse and the one who wrote it.  

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Personal Journal - Road To Healing:

I have been reading this great book called "Qualities of  a Spiritual Warrior" by Graham Cooke (www.brilliantbookhouse.com if you would like to get it).  He explains this verse as God's smiling on us.  I like that.  I like that God smiles upon me.  I love Him!

This book has been helpful and inspirational to me.  I'm not really going through that tough of a time.  But, it's been easier.  I am really dealing with health issues right now.  I have to get my health in check or I can't really do much else.  It is frustrating to me at times.  Also, I have my kids back in my life quite a bit these days which is a HUGE blessing and I am learning to really balance my finances.

My health has kept me from going to church regularly lately and that is the most frustrating thing I am dealing with right now.

It's funny how people say, "I don't have to go to a building to worship God." No you don't, but when you have a church family you miss those people.  I am blessed to be a part of a wonderful ministry (Renaissance International) that does care about you as an individual.  So, yeah I miss my church family.  I also have relationships with a few people and I get to talk with them and hang out outside of church.  But, getting together corporately means a lot to me.  I am working through my health issues and working towards total wellness.

What does that mean?  CHANGE.  Change is a part of life. The better we are at adapting to change the smoother the transitions will be.  The biggest change and the one I don't really know how I am going to do yet is a total diet change.  Now I know from experience that eating healthy and avoiding certain food items help me tremendously.  Last year I was doing pretty good.  However, I have gotten out of the habit.  And it is really expensive.  That is probably the hardest part.  I would love to do a raw food diet with juicing.  But, it is really expensive and it requires frequent trips to the store or farmer's market.  I don't even go to the farmer's market right now and I would love to go.  Not having a car is now becoming more of a struggle.  Because my heath sucks, getting on the bus to do this 3 or 4 hour adventure is so DRAINING! I just didn't know if I wanted the expense at the time when I had some extra money to buy a car.  Now, it seems that it is paramount.  Which means that I really need to work again.  But, I can't work if I don't feel well that majority of the time and the cycle goes on and on.  I have to break free from this cycle and that's what my prayers are focused on now.

For a couple of weeks I was feeling really great.  I had started taking vitamins and they really helped.  Then my sleep schedule got off kilter and then I couldn't sleep until 3 or 4 in the morning and was getting up at like 1 or 2 in the afternoon.  It makes me feel worse to do that.  Then I realized that the vitamins were keeping me up late... imagine that!  So, I have to be careful and take them early in the day so they don't keep me up late at night.  Silly story but true.  Please keep me in your prayers that I will get this all under control.  It feels and is out of control right now.  Sometimes I feel so bad that this is such a struggle.  It seems silly and like it shouldn't be a problem. But, it is my ONE BIG PROBLEM right now.

Although, I can't go back to work doing what I used to do, I would love to go to school and become a message therapist/holistic practitioner and help others to get healthy as well.  So, this is my goal and I am working toward it one baby step at a time.  

Death Of A Loved One

Tuesday, February 14, 2012
9:46 PM

Today I survived the death of a loved one, rest in peace sweet Sonia Reyes; My computer crashed and I contemplated life and death; I read the entire book of Ecclesiastes because I figured God had the answer and He did. This is the verses that stood out to me:
Ecclesiastes 7:12-14
12) For wisdom is a defense even as money is a defense, the excellency of knowledge is that wisdom shields and preserves the life of him who has it.
13) Consider the work of God: who can make straight what He has made crooked?
14) In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of adversity consider that God has made the one side by side with the other , so that man may not find out anything that shall be after him.
Ecclesiastes 8:8

There is no man who has power over the spirit to retain the breath of life, neither has he power over the day of death; (and there is no discharge in battle - This I don't understand yet) But, basically I am a wo(MAN) and He is God. I am to pursue wisdom and the beginning of wisdom is the reverent fear of God. I will be working on this. Because I am not there yet.
Tomorrow I journey to the land far far away to East Bakersfield. On the bus.