He Touched Me and Made Me Whole

I went to a conference yesterday, a Christian conference. I am still digesting all the details I heard there yesterday and processing the others ideas I encountered. Anytime I go somewhere I don’t just hear the person talking. I look intently at them, study the way the person talks, the way they move; do they use their hands a lot? What kind of facial expressions do they have? What lies behind the face that I see? I also observe the way others react, and maybe I understand or notice some happenings others don’t. I don’t really know. I’ve been this way as long as I can remember. All I can do is tell you of my experience and what I noticed. I am really very limited as a human being to describe experiences that only travel through my own filters. I try to think of how others see or feel, but I will always be handicapped in that way.
I want to lead off with how I always notice that people are so very, very different. They are different in this appealing, intriguing and inquisitive kind of way. I actually love this about humanity. What I have noticed is that we are all a one-of-a-kind masterpiece. We may resemble someone, like a family member or sometimes a complete stranger. Our voices may have a similar tone or pitch. But, we are so very different from one another. I will forever be fascinated with people.
Secondly, people are intensely desperate for something, in this case God because that’s what the conference was about. I can’t explain exactly what it is, but, I feel it too. Any time I see a room full of people gather tightly in one area trying to receive something that someone is offering, it does make me wonder. This phenomenon happens at concerts, book signings and conventions, wherever people gather. People all come for some reason known only to them.
This is what I think about though. These people got up that morning, dressed, rushed, purposed and then acted accordingly to travel to this place expecting that they would receive something there and leave a different person than when they arrived. So, everyone hoped to receive something or they wouldn’t have been there. You might think some of the people were expecting money, but it wasn’t that because it was free to go and no one was paid to be there. They were all there searching for something.
That is why I went. I knew God had something to tell me. I hadn’t even known about this meeting when I got up. A very dear friend of mine invited me to go. I’ve known Cindy long enough and I have been following God long enough to know that when this happens, God wants to tell me something through whoever is speaking. So, I said, Okay I am ready to know what it is.
I really want you to keep reading. I fully understand that many people are put off by Christianity, religion, religious gatherings and such. But, please bear with me, let me finish telling you my impressions. At the end I want to tell you what happened precisely while I was there and what happened three days prior and why this makes any sense at all. This is isn’t anything that is hokey or weird. It is just my experience and I ask that you give me just that little bit and keep reading.
For myself, I want to know Him and be known by Him. I want to know Him as He really is. I don’t really care what someone else tells me about Him. I want to know Him for myself. I believe that this is a basis for a relationship with God.
You can only spend so much time with humanity and come away wondering, what else is there is in this world than just all these different people; all these different systems and ideas? I believe there are good people in this world. There are people we love so very much. There are people we never want to see again. We purposefully move away from them. We say good-bye and hope we never see that person again as long as we live. But, I want to know Him, the one who gave me life and the one that has gifted me with these talents I possess and the One who loves me like no person ever could.
There are many religions out there. Why and how could I argue with that? No, that’s not what I want. Each one only tells me about a part of God. They tell me of one side of Him, or one aspect of His Character, or a small portion about His love, or these religions give me only a reason to fear Him and even a reason to be totally turned off by the whole entire thing we call Christianity. So, that’s not what I want either.
I am fascinated by Jesus. I read about Him and what he came to this Earth to do. My mind and heart are blown apart and pieced back together with Him somewhere inside. I have always been someone who thinks a lot. It’s nice when I write because you all don’t have to see the awkwardness of my thinking process, how to put words to my emotions and to you it seems that I have just come out with something that is pleasant to read, or if were talking, it would appear that I am be speaking eloquently. But, I am not really like that.
With each paragraph as I type, my mind is going pretty fast. I just write the words as they come. Sometimes my emotions are so strong… it makes it hard to focus. Then I go back over everything to make sure it makes sense. Then I edit out all the words or parts that don’t really belong. So, what you see is this polished grouping of words that makes sense and maybe even touches your heart, or it is something you can identify with. That is my intention.
The third impression I had of that conference was the various artists that were there. Painters, musicians and even the speaker had his own art form, which is speaking and writing. What I saw was the diversity that God created in us. What I saw was the vast number of talents that each of us have been given. How beautiful we all are. How wonderful we must be to Him.
Have you ever created something you were really proud of? I have many times and I save them. I will take each item out and look at it and tell myself what a good job I did or how pretty it is. Or another thing to consider is our children. No matter what I do, this will be the most wonderful creative act I have ever accomplished. Don’t you just look at your kids in amazement? One day it was just you and then 9 months later here was this little person. You fall deeply in love with your kids. I did with all for of mine. Two are grown up now and I just look at them and still say WOW all these years later. It can be surreal. Now, I have a grandson and that’s a whole different trip. I love that little baby with everything that I am. Babies have that effect on us I think.
Guess what? If God created you, don’t you think He feels the same way? Don’t you think He would look at you with that same love, awe and amazement? I do. I think that is the way He looks at me. That is what makes me want to know Him. He loves me and I love Him back and I try to know Him the best I can and I know that He knows things about me that I don’t even know about myself.
I understand that many people want nothing to do with God or religion. To those people I say, “I don’t blame you”. With the way that religion is portrayed and the atrocities that have been perpetrated in the name of God or religion, why would anyone want that?
The greatest gift we have is free will, free choices. Not everyone may be aware of that. Most of the time it seems like life just happens to us. Life is really a series of choices we make. We can choose whatsoever our heart desires. I have never been a kind of push it in your face and down your throat person, but neither to I condemn those that have that personality. Because of our diversity some people react to that type personality. But, as for me, I am no better than anyone else. No greater and deserving nothing more than any other person on this Earth. What I know is that there is a world of people hurting, searching, and reaching out dying with physically or mentally or spiritually. They need something greater than a TV evangelist, a witty sermon that excites the emotions, a Sunday school teacher, or even a person teaching at a conference… they need what is REAL.
People need to know the One that created them, the One that loves them and the One that gave the very best and most precious possession He had, so that He could walk with us once again in the cool of the day and talk with us, admire and be in awe of us. It is no different than it is with us and our children.
So, now we come to the part where I tell you what all of this is really about. For those of you who have read other pieces I’ve written you are starting to kind of get to know my heart. This will make sense to you and even those who are reading something of mine for the first time.
I recently wrote a piece on Happiness. I admitted to going through a rough patch. I probably was not as straightforward about exactly what happened, but we only show others what we really want them to see. It is part of our nature.
I will leave you with this…
I was mad on the July 5th. Mad, frustrated and furious. I had just started my piece on Happiness, posted part one and now had to finish part 2. I couldn’t cuz I was frickin’ pissed. Now that is honest. My spell checker didn’t like those words and I don’t particularly care.
I have been dealing with a health issue for many years now. Since 2003. Fibromyalgia they call it. They can’t cure it and they can only treat the symptoms. That means muscle relaxers and pain medication, in the past shots and all kinds of other things. So, I go to the Doctor on Tuesday the 5th. I asked the doctor to give me medication for my pain. I was met with a flat out, “no we don’t do that”. Why? I know why because of other people with addiction problems, medication seeking addicts that lie and manipulate the system, etc. I have in the past year received little medication for my pain. Which means I have lain on the couch not daring to move lest it hurt, I have gotten out of bed and almost fallen back over from the pain, I have crawled to the bathroom and I have went about my day with pain in the background screaming and I just pushed myself forward. I had a job working in a homeless shelter cooking for the staff and residents that I LOVED!!! But, it was pain that took that away from me.
After waiting literally a YEAR to see a doctor because I have no insurance and I had already tried to go to emergency rooms and such with them also refusing to treat me, I finally got to see the doctor. I asked for Lyrica (a non-narcotic) used for my condition, the charity insurance I have doesn’t cover it. I asked for Darvocet, no they couldn’t do that either. When I left there… I left with no hope at all. I have asked God to heal me; it seems, a million times. I said to God, “If you are not going to heal me, then take me home. Don’t leave me here on this stupid Earth with people who don’t want to do anything to help me. Heal me or take me home!”
It was left at that.
On the third day, July 8th, I go to this conference. The speaker is speaking about how God does many miracles on the third day, such as when Christ was raised from the dead. Only after I heard that did I remember what I had so angrily said to God, three days before, Now here I was at this conference where the speaker was teaching about ‘the third day’, I realize why I was there.
I can’t tell you about God really. I don’t know enough about Him to accurately tell you who I think He is. I can only tell you my experience of Him, which is all anyone can really tell you, because we are so different.
I didn’t tell a soul about what I said to God. My friend didn’t even know. She just felt that she should come and pick me up and take me to that conference. I sat there amazed as all this came back into my remembrance. I realized that this God who knows me and calls me by name did this. He knew I would go to the doctor on July 5th. He knew the outcome of that visit. He knew that this man would be here three days later… and apparently guided this man to change the message that he was planning to speak about.
He guided my friend to be on Face Book the same time that I was and for us to connect. He showed me that He is capable of great and mighty things. He showed me that He loved me that much. He even had the man that was speaking call all the writers to the front, where he prayed for all those who were writing. I haven’t known what to do with myself since arriving back in California. I have been asking Him, “what do I do now?”. I started writing regularly about two weeks ago. I have a book in my heart which I have still been avoiding.
As we all stood there, and there were quite a few writers he asked, “What are you writing your book about?”
“My experience of living in a homeless shelter over last winter and about Religion vs. Spirituality” in caring for homeless people and the mentally ill.”
This is what this whole experience led me to believe:
God said to me in this way;
Ok, yes this is what I want you to do. Write your book and here’s a special prayer for you. Oh and by the way there is a lady that has a big patch of land, talk to her. Ok, wow, she has the same dream as you. Ok, oh she wants to build a shelter. Okay, we will talk later. And by the way, don’t worry so much about your body and all that pain, I can easily take care of that, and he did.
That is what my yesterday was. A day I will never forget. The God of the Universe saw me and heard me, he heard my cry. He said, nope you’re not coming home yet, I still have things for you to do. He pulled me out and touched my heart; He gave me purpose and direction and healed my pain.
That is the God that I am getting to know a little more every day. That is the God that loved me and created me. That is the God that gave me my talent for writing and speaking. That is the God that listens to me heart and my cries. That is my God and my Savior. I love Him with all that I have and I am thankful, oh so thankful that He is as interested in me as I am of Him.
He touched me and made me whole.